To what extent do children really feel us?
On the impact our nervous system & emotional states have on the children.
Coming to you from this side of life.
Postpartum.
Full and empty all at once.
Motherhood is everything I was ready for and more. I watch myself come alive in new ways as I watch old ways die. Old relationships die. Old beliefs die.
My birth story went many ways I did and did not expect. Like every Mother’s story, I am changed permanently. Irreversibly. I have sat and begun to write many different times. To share my story. The truth is I am not ready to share. My curious heart wonders if it is apart of my duty to share or my right to not.
Someday I will know the answer.
What I am ready for is to write about this beautiful body of work that I am devoted to. Somatic Embodiment. ReWilding. Returning to the sacred ways of being; in connection with our bodies, in connection with nature, in connection with spirit. There is a wisdom that resides within us that is not yet lost. Dare I say we might be approaching the loss of it as a species. But not yet. And maybe, if I am so bold to say, I think I am here to do my best to be apart of its preservation.
A girlfriend of mine asked recently;
“To what extent do children really feel us?…
They say they’re really connected to the degree that they can sense our internal emotional and nervous system shifts, but to what extent? I feel like I can be in a really intense emotional experience and my son is still jumping and playing all over me.”
I’ve wondered the same thing many times during pregnancy and postpartum. To what degree do my children feel me? And in what way does it impact them to feel me and whatever it is I may be going through?
I wrote about it once actually during my pregnancy. It brings tears to my eyes to re-read my words from that sacred container:
I sat with her question, curiosity in my own heart.
My son has been alive, in his short life, while I myself experience my lowest lows. For this I am deeply sad for him, for me, for us. Even though this is true, what is also true is that he has not lost protection, he has not lost connection, he has not felt me drift so far that I could not tend to him, attune to him, soothe him, feed him, rock him. Not once has my loss of safety, connection, or belonging, ever meant that he lost those too.
What I realized in her asking this question on most mother minds is this:
Our children may be able to feel and sense what we are going through, but unless it threatens their sense of belonging, safety, connection, or love, it is not a threat to them.
These things impact our babies when it costs them these basic and fundamental needs. Our bodies from a very young age are made to feel the full range of emotions. I watch them flicker across my son’s face as he figures out what he likes and doesn’t like. What frustrates him, confuses him, brings him delight, uncertainty, fear, pleasure, pain (so many little bonks as he learns to navigate the world 🥲)and what ignites his curiosity. So curious.
As I move in my own rhythms; those sacred rhythms that continue to flow and ebb even as mothering has become my new role, I watch him watch me. I watch him feel me, sense me.
Giving in to our human experience is a fine and narrow path as we also become the primary anchor for our children. They learn how to sense themselves, their surroundings, their responses to experiences, and their feelings about those experiences by watching us. My boys eyes are on me for a significant portion of his waking life right now. What does mommy think? What does she feel? What face does she make? What tone does she use? Is she afraid? Is she smiling, laughing, crying? How should I feel right now? Let me check in with mommy to see.
I notice. I notice him noticing me.
My duty to him is not my perfection, it is proper self regulation. It is ultimate self responsibility.
To properly be able to identify when I am not regulated.
Ultimately the goal is to be able to recognize when we’re walking the path towards disregulation BEFORE we even get there.
To know what might help me in the moment to walk the path back to a regulated state.
To execute the action of seeking regulation.
It is not enough to KNOW what to do, we must actually also do it with our whole hearts.
Sometimes that responsibility requires for me to seek co-regulation, but not with him. It is not his duty to ever be apart of my regulation; consciously. I say consciously because he nearly always helps me regulate simply because his presence brings me immense joy and purpose. But I do not seek or require anything specific from him to support me in any way.
For me, seeking co-regulation looks like a few possible things:
Calling mommy (when you have a good mama, she is always the first option. I have a mama like that and I intend to be that kinda mama for my babes).
Connect with friends via text, FaceTime, or, most ideally, in person.
Get a hug from Nico if possible (my husband works from home so it is a constant dance trying to treat his office time as if he is not actually here/available).
Co-regulate with the natural world; in other words, GO OUTSIDE BITCH *respectfully* (this is NEVER to be undervalued).
Our children are learning in every moment what impact experiences have on their being. And something they begin to attune to very early on is, “What does it mean for me when…”
when theres a loud noise
when mommy cries
when I make a mess
when daddy is upset
when mommy or daddy is stressed
And if any of these things mean he loses something he needs like attunement, care, touch, connection, food, etc. the next natural step built into his body is for him to figure out how to make sure these things don’t interfere. Maybe through crying, performing, or shifting the energy in whatever way he can manage in his little form.
Writing this out makes my heart ache. I have tended for years to many adults who learned very early on to pay attention to things like tone of voice, sounds of steps, how doors are opening and closing, how a parent is breathing because of the cues there. They have learned to identify the level of regulation or disregulation in their parent. Because levels of disregulation meant they were likely about to lose their sense of safety.
Daddy is walking heavy footed, I better be quiet.
Mommy is crying, I better make sure to disconnect from my needs right now.
Parents are fighting, it’s best to leave the house or dissociate.
Along with paying attention to cues we also learn how to best interact with the shift in energy that is most likely to secure our own sense of belonging and safety. We are incredibly adaptable that way. It’s quite amazing really. But I want my child to learn how to adapt like that out in the bigger world, not at home; not with is mom and dad. We are his touch stones. His safety. He deserves for home to be his sanctuary.
And you know what is truly beautiful about this goal? It impacts his entire future. The more secure my child feels at home,
the more resilient he will be when the wider world reveals it’s cruelty.
The more secure he feels with me and his dad, the more likely he is to never feel alone when things do get hard for him & the more likely he is to seek support when he needs it.
The more regulated the environment he is raised in, the more likely he is to contribute to creating regulated environments and security wherever he goes and in whatever relationships he finds himself in. (You’re welcome future in-laws.)
My child deserves to know how to emotionally regulate, how to respond calmly and with grace, ease, and void of anxiety, high stress, or rage. He deserves to inhabit a body that does not have a hyper-vigilant fight, flee, or freeze response ready to initiate. He deserves to experience life’s extenuating events and be capable of staying in a place of groundedness, openness, curiosity, and clarity of mind. He deserves peace. The kind of peace that comes from within; that is not dependent on a stress free environment. But the kind of peace that comes from an internal state of calm + resilience that allows a person to meet the moment without getting stuck, lost, or captured by a painful narrative when an undesired outcome arises.
So how do I give this to him?
As parents we have one of the most sacred purposes on this earth; to herald in the health and wellbeing of future generations (Talk shit all you want but putting off the responsibility of this earth onto future generations is beginning to end with Millennials and continuing with Gen Z!). To do that we have to model health and wellbeing. Modeling that does not mean we are happy, joyful, or void of the more heavy emotional states; it means we model proper processing of all of the natural human experiences; anger, frustration, grief, disappointment, not getting our way, arguments & disagreements, connection & proper relating, secure attachment, etc.
In addition to this,
Ensuring that our experiences as the adults in our babies lives does not interfere with their basic needs: food, shelter, water, care & nurturing, attunement, & spaciousness.
Allowing him a safe place to feel his emotions without losing connection/attunement & without gaining loud voices or a stressed out mama.
Maintaining connection with him while he goes from upset to calm over and over again so he hard-wires his sense of safety and his ability to co-regulate (which directly impacts his future ability to self regulate.)
By SHOWING him through my own calm, gracious, even tempered responses to stress.
Something that is worthy of noting here is that I do not hide my emotions from him but I am vigilant to never be compromised. If something in my life threatens to compromise me, I hold that experience within UNTIL it is safe and spacious enough for me to receive proper care and attunement from other adult support systems.
To me compromised means inconsolability and the inability to maintain presence in a way that interferes with my child’s basic needs.
This is why our own somatic & parts work is so INCREDIBLY important!
So that we have the ability to know:
Am I on the road to disregulation?
Am I compromised?
What do I need to do to support myself as an individual AND as the mother to this sacred being that I am guardian of?
Go outside? Call a friend? Call mama? Ask for help? Go for a walk/run? take a nap with the baby? Put on some soothing music? A combination of the above?
It does not have to be hard. In fact we are made for it to be quite simple IF we allow for flow and honor of our needs alongside the needs of our babes. It doesn’t have to be one or the other (at least for very long).
If you wish to begin learning about how to work with your sacred system, check out one of the self paced intensives :)
I love you all. I have missed you dearly. I am so happy to be back. It is my goal to begin writing to you a few times a month again & in the coming year begin offering live group learning experiences once more!
Shout out to Çiğdem for becoming a paid subsriber and reminding me that this work is not only needed, it’s wanted ♥️
Brilliant point about the distinction between children sensing us versus actually losing their safety. That nuance gets lost alot in parenting discourse. The framing around modeling proper processing rather than hiding emotions feels especially solid. I've noticed in my own household how kids pick up on the recovery process more than the initial distress. When regulation becomes visible work instead of hidden struggle, it changes the whole dynamic. Dunno why more folks don't talk about that co-regulation piece with other adults as non-negotiable infrastructure.
Thank you for sharing this! I don't want children anytime soon, but as my friends are beginning to have children, I've noticed an undercurrent of anxiety about "messing them up," so this is an important reminder that it's not about being perfect, it's about being present.