I’ve been reading The Artist's Way.
This week is week 4.
This week the big task is to undergo Reading Deprivation (echos through the great hall of books).
Essentially the challenge is to not consume & considering this book was written in 1992 before social media and podcasts & audiobooks gripped us all by the throat and made us its bitch, reading (and TV) was the main way one consumed information.
So I am taking this challenge on (mostly).
I am taking this week off of:
Substack
Audio books
My 4 book tall stack beside my bed
TV (might as well just put Downton Abbey because I am… obsessed)
Podcasts
I think that accounts for everything. I am not on social media anymore except to respond to messages occasionally otherwise that would be on the list. The caveat I am permitting (because I love myself) is 30 minutes of reading before bed and 30 minutes of reading when I wake up. Like two bookends. Clever simile completely intended.
DAY 1
I’m equal parts excited and anxious. I know challenges like this well. When I was still on instagram I did my fair share of breaks and media detoxes. This last one just keeps on going… which honestly I LOVE.
Anyway… So I know my patterns through this type of process. Day one is almost always the hardest. As in every time I want to do THE THING that I am currently not doing (reading), it’s like my brain short circuits and I go a little dissociative for a second. I have been in and out of freeze all day. Coming out to move towards something I feel inspired to do like record a lesson for a mini program i’m working on or to do the dishes or cook a meal. And then when I finish with that it’s back into freeze you go buddy… as if my body is experiencing that spinning wheel of doom while it figures out what to do next.
During one of my 100 moments of freeze today I laid out a blanket in the yard and lounged in the sun for a bit with my little nuggets pugs. I’ve been missing hard lounging like that. Something I did a lot of last year while I was in that VERY long VERY miserable fascinating hard as hell stint in dorsal shut down. It was sweet & grounding. And helped me move back into presence & regulation.
It’s fascinating to watch what my body does in the moments in between doing. I’m realizing that my nervous system is not very well practiced at BEING. It seems it’s very used to DOING and then dissociating once the doing is done.
Relatable?
I am watching it like a hawk. Hmmm. No… too predatory. Maybe more like a first time mom with her toddler who's learning how to take very sloppy, very wobbly steps. Witnessing in annoyance love as this precious system stretches itself to meet this challenge I'm pushing it into.
Meals are hard. I realize that I have become absolutely accustomed to tuning out of my body experience when I eat. I have watched TV or more recently listened to podcasts while I eat. I NEVER eat without some sort of entertainment going. I don’t know when that started, to be honest. But as I feel the anxiousness settle in when I sit down to eat a perfectly tasty meal a memory comes to me; between the ages of 6-8. I’m in my childhood backyard with my family. We’re eating dinner as the sun sets. Chicken breast. Nausea. Anxiety. I don’t feel good. I don’t want to eat.
I share this memory with my partner who is a long time sufferer of IBS.
He says “... IBS?”
I say “maybe?”
A few more meal time memories pop into my head.
Age 3-5 needing to eat a certain amount of food in order to not be presented with an annoyed parent.
Age 10-12 watching Survivor at our tv dinner stands as a family. Honestly so sweet & fun.
Age 16-17 walking around outside of a fancy restaurant after having a panic attack for no apparent reason.
I don’t understand these memories but realize that dissociating at meal time maybe started there. Not being settled enough to eat without feeling sick. And then needing to tune out of my body in order to eat the food presented to me.
Anyway…
Day one is almost done. 6:50pm and about time for Downton Abbey. Except not today (Satan).
My stomach clenches a bit when I think about the things I’m cutting out.
I get a little antsy, agitated, and shifty eyed. If the energy could speak it would say;
“What now, please?” with hands out like a child who wants second dessert.
I’m going to love myself through this by pulling out some fabric to start on some long awaiting quilts I’ve been avoiding. Then I shall journal. Do a somatic meditation, pick a The Artists Way task that is not this one, and end my weird & annoying interesting day with my long awaited 30 minutes of reading that cannot come soon enough.
DAY 2
Day 2 of Reading Deprivation. Hard. Eating meals is still annoying as fuck. And meals being annoying is double annoying to me considering eating is usually one of my favorite pastimes. Day 2 of Reading Deprivation also brought Day 1 of Period. So that's cool.
Needless to say I put on shark shirt as soon as I woke up (my go to comfy garment) and have spent the second half of the day soft weeping on the edge of my bed looking out the window at the sun and the birds. It’s quite a romantic sight honestly… or dramatic… whichever you prefer.
Not having the constant ability to distract myself from my full human experience whilst also being on my period is very… alive.
I tend to see this time in a woman's cycle as the time for deeper & potentially hidden truths to be more conscious, less buried. Bigger, less able to be diminished by mind. I think we feel more deeply at this time for a reason. I think we have less capacity for external disturbances for a reason. I think we are meant to use this time to go inward. We’re invited to. It’s like a monthly burn. Physically (ouch) and emotionally (double ouch).
Day 2 + Day 1 and these tears come as a reminder & gift of shedding past hurts that are otherwise too deep to access. Remnants of not too distant pains that still occasionally pop out. The little bit that is still left of betrayal after nearly 2 years of processing (wow… 2 years) finds permission right here and now to stream down my face. Reminding me of my squishy human tender heartedness. A painful unspoken story.
That’s it isn't it? I see. You are hurting because your truth is not known. And it will likely never be known by them over there. And part of you wants that to be ok. And part of you is really hurt and sad that none of them over there even asked. I see.
Noted. A ritual for another day I suppose.
Ideas and creative spurts have also come through today. And that feels really sweet, enriching, and exciting. That is the juice I am waiting for and creating space for.
Alive.
I am alive.
I am alive with joy, gratitude, pain, grief, and pugs all wrapped up by someone who's never gift wrapped before… but the effort is precious.
I wonder if this will get easier or if I will be so thankful when it’s over. I also wonder if this is why some of my favorite creatives, philosophers, and writers were able to create such prolific life works. Because they didn’t have so many options for entertainment. Their work was their entertainment.
DAY 3
Fuck i’m tired. I’m bleeding. I am dazed.
In retrospect, today was really tender & sweet. But it was that way because I meet dorsal energy with grace these days. But let's face it, today was a dorsal dominant day. I barely spoke words except to lead a little SE meditation at a small women's gathering and to baby talk at my partner to hold me and love me. Classic. Classic me on day 2 of my bleed feeling needy. Classic him being so tender & letting me snuggle and need (and bite… anyone else do that?… no?… yeah me neither).
I let myself receive sweet feminine care at the gathering. I then immediately took a 45 minute nap upon returning home. Right at the borderline of oblivion. An hour-long nap would have sent me into a weird space time fracture. Does that happen to anyone else?
Anyway. It was just long enough to be nourishing and just short enough to keep me intact for the remainder of the day.
After the grief processing from yesterday a secondary wave of hateful rage came in. It was fascinating to feel, watch, and work with. That saved ritual for another day… turns out today is “another day”.
I did something I haven’t done in a long time. I rage wrote. I wrote my unspoken story. I wrote my hurts in an unpolished absolutely unevolved way. It was scary. Not gonna lie. I wasn’t sure how it was going to end or if it was going to end or instead lead to a longer stint in rage (I think this is what most of us fear when we face our true feelings).
But at the end of this day, I feel lighter. My mind is emptier. My heart is more free. It still amazes me how that goes. And amazes me that I could still forget that it ends when I let it breathe. What a sweet reminder that it’s ok to express these wild things in the safety of my own journal. & that it does end. Just like everything else it is a cycle with a beginning, middle, and completion point.
The last two days it seems the Reading Deprivation process is making way for buried emotional signatures to rise up to awareness. So that they may be felt. So that they may be acknowledged, loved, respected, and listened to. I have nowhere to go & truly nothing better to do than to listen. Plus I got 5 years worth of tools to help me meet this moment with so much love & compassion. Oh and a good nap… I got this.
Sweet parts. I honor you. You are why I am doing this. Thank you for showing yourself to me.
DAY 4
Sunday Fun Day! Sunday is date day in our house. Everything we do, we do together, and everything we do is mutually enjoyable. What a breeze to not read or consume on this day when all I want to do anyway is drink him in & nourish our sweet connection.
We slept in, had breakfast, skated, opened a new art piece he surprised me with, tried a new restaurant, & then went to the thrift shops to repurpose old frames for new art. We spent the evening painting and my god I can’t believe this is my life. And yet why can’t I when I specifically worked very hard to make it this way? To have a relationship that feeds and fuels me every day. Why can't I, when I speak my needs in love & clarity to a partner who is always ready to meet them or find a common ground where we are both comfy?
Why wouldn’t I believe it when I look back at where I came from and can easily see every step along the way to this point. I did that. I did this. For me. Yay me!
DAY 5
Holy shit is this coming easy now? Is it finally coming along really well? Have I made it to the part where I feel the pull towards something and then actually move towards actualizing it? Is it just that I am in the part of my follicular phase where I am not actively being drained of life force energy? I don’t know… we shall see because I think I might keep this up.
I am relishing in the moments when an impulse to create, write, paint, organize, bake, cook, garden, dance, meditate, nap, journal, or call a friend comes in and I get to immediately follow that impulse instead of putting it off as the default and saving it for some future time “when I have more time”.
I feel organized in my body. I feel organized in my mind. I feel inspired in nearly every moment, and also somehow life feels more magical? Is that possible? Yes. It is. Because my eyes are open and there's nothing that sits between me and the experience of the magic that is always already there for me.
Today we installed new lighting in our dungeon ass kitchen. We love it. I immediately put up our collected paint chips from a few Date Days past to begin the widdling process of deciding which colors we want to paint these tired cabinets.
I am excited. I am Alive. I am here fully to receive these little nuggets of my life.
DAY 6
It’s Tuesday me loves. Tuesdays are an interesting day for me. They challenge me. Tuesdays are the days I visit 3 in-patient homes for young adults. Young adults I likely would never have gotten to know had they not reached their personal breaking points. Young adults I grow to love and care for deeply during our time together.
The work I get to do there in those houses is magic to me. I somehow was chosen to teach the things that changed my life with those who need their lives to change. And I get to see them change before my eyes week after week during their stay in the program.
This is THE WORK. It is THE WORK I have fully intentionally and willingly signed up for. To teach Somatic Experiencing in a group setting. To teach the intricate workings of the nervous system to those who might be understanding themselves for the first time. Damn. This is wild!
And yet… for some reason a lot of my Tuesdays I wake up with dread I don’t quite understand.
When I am there, when I am with them, it’s as if the rest of the world fades away. Every other relationship, desire, or thought leaves my mind and I am wholeheartedly present in this work with them. And when the day is done I am so completely bursting with joy, love, and purpose it makes me cry.
I think maybe it scares me. Because of the magnitude of its importance. It is a stretch for me. It is a stretch to absolutely require my best for them every week. And yet I would not have it any other way. So I'll take the dread. I will hold myself this Tuesday morning as I do every Tuesday morning and remind my scared parts just how much I love this role I get to play in the world.
DAY 7
It’s settled. I am going to keep this going.
A deep settling. A trust in the cyclical nature of my energy, emotions, and impulses. A trust in myself with each new day regardless of what side of the bed I wake up on. This challenge brings with it a deeper witnessing of myself, my patterns, and the forces within me that uphold those patterns.
To face these patterns at this point in my re-minding, re-membering, & re-wilding journey is an absolute honor, thrill, and soul satisfying process. Things revealed:
Eating is still torment without entertainment. But my stomach is more settled than it was those first few days.
Moments of nothingness feel rich with possibility & ease. Boredom is… kinda fun. Boredom might be the GOAT guys…
My system is very sturdy when it comes to other peoples energy (thank you very much) meaning (according to Dr. Becky Kennedy) I can be well connected to other people while maintaining my connection to myself. This is the case with everyone.. except my partner. I might accidentally be prone to merging with him sometimes… whoops.
I am way more deeply connected. to the process of life rather than the outcomes when I am this present for said process.
ALL in ALL 10/10 recommend a consumption deprivation.
If you have some disregulation in your system such as depression, anxiety, mood challenges, impactful relational struggles, or dissociative tendencies, maybe consider doing this with some help from an SEP (hi!) so you don’t accidentally dive into the deep end without a floatation device.
Get your journal ready to document what comes up from the depths when you clear the path for it to arise.
WOULD YOU DO A CONSUMPTION DEPRIVATION?
HOW WOULD YOU STRUCTURE IT?
WHAT WOULD YOU REMOVE?
WHAT DO YOU THINK WOULD COME UP FOR YOU?
Wow! What a courageous step it is to step away from distraction and tune in to whatever arises. I cannot say I've done it - except during the times when my system has been collapsed. I can say that it sounds scary and exhilarating at the same time, so I'm intrigued. I think tonight I shall eat my dinner without any entertainment but a flickering candle.
“Scary & exhilarating” matches my sentiments exactly. I’m excited for you to be revealed to yourself!